Being uncomfortable has to be right sometimes..

Last week I went and met with one of the organizations I am planning on doing some volunteer work for.. I took Kendal with me and we headed to downtown KC. We drove into a pretty non-gorgeous area of town and parked the car and headed on in. Upon walking in, I immediately just felt weird. I was so mad at myself for feeling weird.. I know AIDS isn't the most comfortable of situations but I was thinking I was such a loser for suddenly sketchin inside. The man at the front desk took one look at Kendal and I and he didn't look thrilled. I knew why...here we were smiling coming in, looking so middle class up in the ghetto and we were probably people that went to church and had our opinions..ect..ect.. All those thoughts were going through my head while he was looking at us while finishing up his conversation on the phone. Here we are..Kendal and I standing here to abolish all the AIDS up in the KC. He hung up the phone and asked why we were there. He said it in a prettier voice than I have(not trying to be mean here, it was a fact!!). Okay.. I am getting the picture of the scene I am walking into. Two other men are walking around the building and working and they glance at us and manage to smile a little at us. I am still spinning inside pretty terribly! Why am I being such a freak?? He asks us to wait in the waiting room where there are a few people seated. I can tell they are poor and they just looked so sad and defeated. One man looked really thin and sick and I just felt so sad and weird and I didn't know if I should smile or look sad or what in the heck I was suppose to be acting like. This was all very out of my normal reactions. But as Kendal and I waited there for about 20 minutes to see the volunteer coordinator I just kept thinking and feeling like more of an idiot as the time went on. I didn't want to catch anyone's eye contact because I didn't want me to make them uncomfortable. I didn't want to be that freaky person who looks like she is sketching around all the people infected with AIDS. EW, EW, EW.. I was being that person. I was so disappointed at how I was reacting..
The coordinator came out to take us to her office and she was beautiful and lovely and looked really tired. We sat down and she started to talk and seriously I think I only heard a few words because I was so trying to concentrate on NOT BEING A FREAK!!!!!!!! She started asking me why I wanted to do this.........Wow..... I didn't know what to say....I didn't want to sound like I was trying to be some hero...I didn't want to say God told me to do it because I'm not sure if He did.... So I ended up saying.. I DON'T KNOW? Hmmm that was awesome, right?? She looked at me like.. okay.. umm?? It was weird..I was such a SPAZ and I was hating myself even more.
I started to talk and I don't even know what I said at first... I think I talked about kids or helping or something lame I'm sure.. I just stopped and I said.. Okay.. please tell me what you're looking for in volunteers and tell me about AIDS. She looked at my face for a while, it was hard for her to answer this. She sighed and said.. you know, this has got to be a safe place. The people that come here need to know that their needs will be taken care of, regardless of who they are and what got them into this place to begin with... Most of them have been ostracized from their friends and families because of their disease and some of them because of their sexual orientation and I can't and I won't have someone in here judging them. I need people to be here to love them and to speak to them. We are the only people who speak to some of these people, we've become their support and their family and friends....I just sat there and was amazed. I told her that I totally understand and respect what she just said. She knew I was a straight, Christian woman(you have to state your faith and orientation on a form) and she was speaking 100% into my freaky spazzy heart at that moment...I almost seriously cried right there. I took all the information and told her I would read it and get back to her soon... As I was driving home, I cried and cried...I asked God if I could love people on their terms but His way? I thanked Him, for me being uncomfortable because it felt so good in the sense that I just exposed something about my heart that I didn't know was there. I really thought I could easily love people with AIDS and I could love homosexuals, no problem.. I was so wrong about myself... I think I can love people but maybe it is going to be hard sometimes...I might spaz lots and think am I should just be telling them all about Jesus..I now think that these people know ABOUT Jesus and met lots of us that think we know about Him too.. they've heard lots of preaching and as soon as they saw my face I knew how that must have went... Could I just love them for them? Just be there to talk and let them feel safe? Jesus always finds a way..even through lunatic spazzing women. Maybe my actions will be louder than any words I can say.. I guess, we'll see.