My little Kendal

Preschool graduation!! Honestly I know on the surface it sounds completely ridiculous..making such a fuss over ummm preschool?? Cole didn't really care about what was happening at his...CJ didn't get to graduate because we moved out here before she was able to finish...But my little Kendal has enjoyed every last minute of it. I feel so full of joy thinking about our last three years together. I have to say I was curious about what it would be like being alone with her after CJ ditched us and went to Kindergarten. I have to say that it's been better than I could have imagined. She is the best lunch date...there is NO LACK of conversation. She is the best shopping date especially if she gets to look at herself in the big mirrors from all angles and she is full of emotion which usually consists of either laughing, giggling or crying. We have had so much fun together and I am so thankful for these times...It was like we both knew we had this special time together and we enjoyed as we shared this time. She is so excited to go to big school but every time she thinks about it for longer than a minute she starts to cry...she looks at me and says she is just going to miss me so much when she goes to school everyday. We hug each other and I start to shed a few tears.. this has been going on for a week now, with all the leading up to the preschool grad stuff. I keep telling her that growing is God's plan and it'll be so good to see what's new that she hasn't seen before..and that she is only going half day so we can hang out every afternoon still!! I really have to choke back the tears and I didn't think I would be so incredibly emotional about this! I just always thought that she's been so ready to go to school for a long time and she would love it and not be bored here stuck with me so I was excited for it...I am still excited for it..I love to see my kids grow and to see them experiencing life..My emotions are mostly those of being a proud Mom. I am so proud of Kendal..this year with me working at her preschool and being the first sub called, I had to bring her to so many classes and of all ages and she just went with the flow and hung in there with me. She's had a great year and so when we went to pick out a graduation outfit and she wanted purple chandelier earrings and a fancy headband and pretty bracelets, I couldn't say no..I wanted her to feel beautiful and accomplished on this night. I bought presents for her(bubbles,chocolate,coloring books,nothing too fancy!) and Nate bought her flowers and a balloon and we made the most ridiculous fuss you've ever seen! She had the best night and it was so worth it...a little investment into her self confidence and a deposit into her love tank..... mission accomplished. At graduation night she sang out LOUD, smiling away, trying to keep her very tiny cap situated on her head, they announced she wanted to be a Chef when she grows up and she ended the night in tiny tears as she saw me headed up to the stage to pick her up after it was all over... I looked around at all the smiling kids, laughing, running around and I looked back up at Kendal standing there silently with her head down a little and her purple glasses filling up with wet kisses for me..I picked her up and hugged her tight. I said,"baby girl why are you crying right now?" She says...." Mama, it's just I am going to miss you, so much".........

Cole & CJ the ridiculous

My older children are borderline, I don't want to go as far as to say brain dead, but somewhere along those lines sometimes. Cole and CJ have never been cautious or careful with their flesh. Cole, as a small child did so many things to send him into the ER that I honestly didn't think he'd live this long. It was seriously insane how un-cautious he was and still is. The child seriously terrifies me. Thinking about him even crossing a street sends me into a panic. I just know he'll just go running and get hit by any moving car, bike, deer..ect. So, CJ... she definitely would look for cars crossing the street. She's not careless in that way, she is just a serious tomboy daredevil at it's finest. This child will basically do anything. Jump off anything, climb every tree taller than the house and do just about whatever you can think of dangerous without even a second guess! I do not know how they both haven't been so seriously injured or how they are still alive. They have some serious Angel protection and their angels work hard, okay, seriously hard. This brings me to what's been going on with them this year.. My kids are permanent pieces in the school nurses office this year. I can't even count how many times I've been called by the nurse for one of them, oh and for the second one, oh and for both kids on the same day.. It's been nuts out of control ridiculous!! They have been in the nurses office so much, the nurse tells me stories, like this," well this time..blah, blah" What? She says, this time? Cause it's all the dang time that's why. And sometimes the kids ask to go, sometimes they are forced by their teacher because of blood running from somewhere and other times, the recess aide sees them get clobbered so good she forces them to go too. Nate and I have been getting so stinkin tired of this that we have had to threaten to punish them because of it. One week CJ was seriously in there 4 out of the 5 days!! Come on! So the kids are now terrified of going to the nurse. This week I was sitting with the kids for dinner and I ask about their day. CJ says, I had to go to the nurse today, please don't be mad!! I was forced to go! I told the recess aide I didn't want to go and I don't need to go. Then Cole chimes in with oh yes he was in the nurses again today as well. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! What in the heck is wrong with these kids..other than they have Nate and I's DNA. So, CJ apparently got the tire swing swung into her face(and she has the nickname Wild thing for her tire swing antics) and it made her forehead bleed and the recess aide told her she needed to go to the nurse. CJ knowing full well if she goes to the nurse she could be severely punished by her parents. CJ was trying her best to wipe the blood off her head and say how she was fine and didn't need the nurse at all. Well the aide wasn't having it and forced her to go. So, Cole...he plays football everyday on the wonderful CONCRETE at school. Genius eh? He gets banged up everyday..a few times coming home saying he thinks he was knocked unconscious?? WHAT???? Well this day he went to intercept a pass (because he is the schools #1 interceptor or whatever because he has no care for his flesh and flails and dives his face into concrete) and he said his face hit the concrete and then slid on it a bit.. oh so that's why he has a big scuz mark on his face today.
Come to find out..the wonderful recess aide sent my son to the nurse as well...I am at the point where I am punishing for injuries!!!!!!! How can this be.. HOW CAN THIS BE??? Let's hope those Angels keep working hard, OT and 24/7 because without them, these two Fischer kids will either be kicked out of school, taking away by CPS or grounded until they can stop hurting themselves everyday...Thank you Angels for hanging in there.

Being uncomfortable has to be right sometimes..

Last week I went and met with one of the organizations I am planning on doing some volunteer work for.. I took Kendal with me and we headed to downtown KC. We drove into a pretty non-gorgeous area of town and parked the car and headed on in. Upon walking in, I immediately just felt weird. I was so mad at myself for feeling weird.. I know AIDS isn't the most comfortable of situations but I was thinking I was such a loser for suddenly sketchin inside. The man at the front desk took one look at Kendal and I and he didn't look thrilled. I knew why...here we were smiling coming in, looking so middle class up in the ghetto and we were probably people that went to church and had our opinions..ect..ect.. All those thoughts were going through my head while he was looking at us while finishing up his conversation on the phone. Here we are..Kendal and I standing here to abolish all the AIDS up in the KC. He hung up the phone and asked why we were there. He said it in a prettier voice than I have(not trying to be mean here, it was a fact!!). Okay.. I am getting the picture of the scene I am walking into. Two other men are walking around the building and working and they glance at us and manage to smile a little at us. I am still spinning inside pretty terribly! Why am I being such a freak?? He asks us to wait in the waiting room where there are a few people seated. I can tell they are poor and they just looked so sad and defeated. One man looked really thin and sick and I just felt so sad and weird and I didn't know if I should smile or look sad or what in the heck I was suppose to be acting like. This was all very out of my normal reactions. But as Kendal and I waited there for about 20 minutes to see the volunteer coordinator I just kept thinking and feeling like more of an idiot as the time went on. I didn't want to catch anyone's eye contact because I didn't want me to make them uncomfortable. I didn't want to be that freaky person who looks like she is sketching around all the people infected with AIDS. EW, EW, EW.. I was being that person. I was so disappointed at how I was reacting..
The coordinator came out to take us to her office and she was beautiful and lovely and looked really tired. We sat down and she started to talk and seriously I think I only heard a few words because I was so trying to concentrate on NOT BEING A FREAK!!!!!!!! She started asking me why I wanted to do this.........Wow..... I didn't know what to say....I didn't want to sound like I was trying to be some hero...I didn't want to say God told me to do it because I'm not sure if He did.... So I ended up saying.. I DON'T KNOW? Hmmm that was awesome, right?? She looked at me like.. okay.. umm?? It was weird..I was such a SPAZ and I was hating myself even more.
I started to talk and I don't even know what I said at first... I think I talked about kids or helping or something lame I'm sure.. I just stopped and I said.. Okay.. please tell me what you're looking for in volunteers and tell me about AIDS. She looked at my face for a while, it was hard for her to answer this. She sighed and said.. you know, this has got to be a safe place. The people that come here need to know that their needs will be taken care of, regardless of who they are and what got them into this place to begin with... Most of them have been ostracized from their friends and families because of their disease and some of them because of their sexual orientation and I can't and I won't have someone in here judging them. I need people to be here to love them and to speak to them. We are the only people who speak to some of these people, we've become their support and their family and friends....I just sat there and was amazed. I told her that I totally understand and respect what she just said. She knew I was a straight, Christian woman(you have to state your faith and orientation on a form) and she was speaking 100% into my freaky spazzy heart at that moment...I almost seriously cried right there. I took all the information and told her I would read it and get back to her soon... As I was driving home, I cried and cried...I asked God if I could love people on their terms but His way? I thanked Him, for me being uncomfortable because it felt so good in the sense that I just exposed something about my heart that I didn't know was there. I really thought I could easily love people with AIDS and I could love homosexuals, no problem.. I was so wrong about myself... I think I can love people but maybe it is going to be hard sometimes...I might spaz lots and think am I should just be telling them all about Jesus..I now think that these people know ABOUT Jesus and met lots of us that think we know about Him too.. they've heard lots of preaching and as soon as they saw my face I knew how that must have went... Could I just love them for them? Just be there to talk and let them feel safe? Jesus always finds a way..even through lunatic spazzing women. Maybe my actions will be louder than any words I can say.. I guess, we'll see.